The Importance of Knowing Oneself
I’ve been on a Carl Rogers kick lately. As I have explored Rogers’ writings more and more, I have been particularly struck with the idea of “knowing oneself” and how this idea comes into play in the therapeutic space. Through this self-reflection, I’ve begun to identify an ongoing process of “knowing” within myself that I believe has increased my capacity to construct an environment in which my clients may give themselves permission to “know” themselves in a similar manner. As I continue to reflect upon this process, three distinct themes have shown up for me: the theme of avoidance, the theme of understanding, and the theme of acceptance.
Avoidance
When I think about the role that avoidance plays in this process of knowing, I suppose it would be more fitting to describe it as turning from avoidance. However, before taking on this perspective it may be helpful to first consider the function of avoidance itself. We avoid constantly. We avoid responsibilities, we avoid obligations, we avoid discomfort, and we avoid so much more. Perhaps most significantly, we avoid parts of ourselves that we deem unacceptable or dangerous. We silo these parts into dark corners of ourselves and do all that we can to turn away from them whenever we feel them approaching or bubbling up to the surface. Ironically, it is in this avoidance that we give these parts more power and influence.
As a therapist (and beyond that, as a human), this is where the Rogerian concepts of congruence and incongruence come into play. When there are things within us that we are being avoidant of, others can intuitively pick up on this. We notice when things are not as they seem. If I am in a room with a client and am being incongruent, how can I expect them to show up in a way that is congruent themselves? How can they begin the process of turning from avoidance and moving into a place of deeper understanding and more genuine acceptance? If I am committed to the journey of knowing myself and facilitating the process of knowing in others, I must first commit to challenging my innate tendency to avoid.
Understanding
The commitment to turn from avoidance is the beginning of understanding. This is quite the challenge, because making the choice to stop avoiding does not eliminate the fear of that which we have been avoiding. In fact, that fear does not begin to subside until we get a better and clearer look at the subject of our avoidance. It is not uncommon to fear that which we do not understand, and we will always be limited in our understanding of that which is obstructed or obscured. To look at something, to see it with curiosity rather than judgment, and to open oneself to learning more about it and what it means, leads to a richer understanding of that thing.
When I consider this from a therapeutic perspective, I think of the desire to understand and the weight that this desire carries. I often use the term “curiosity” as a sort of shorthand for this desire to understand. If I can assume a position of genuine curiosity, of an authentic desire to better understand the individual sitting across from me, and if I can express that position in a way that makes it clearly evident, it is my hope that I have laid the groundwork for the other to begin the exploration necessary to foster a deeper sense of self-understanding and self-acceptance.
Acceptance
And it is this self-acceptance that I believe completes the process of knowing oneself. I do not mean “completes” in a way that suggests this process can ever be truly finished, since I am convinced that the act of knowing and desiring to know is a lifelong commitment. Instead, I see acceptance as the third major theme to this process, one that requires the commitment to both turn from avoidance and seek deeper understanding. The reason I believe understanding is a prerequisite to acceptance is that it is difficult to truly accept something that is not understood. It may be possible to accept parts of that thing, but the parts that are avoided or misunderstood may be temporarily out of reach. It is quite hard to accept that which is unaccessible.
This brings me back to the concept of congruence and incongruence. If a client detects that I am feeling unaccepting of myself, or perhaps unaccepting of them, even though I am externally expressing the opposite, how can they feel safe enough to undergo the process of accepting themselves? I must strive to practice congruence, to align my outward expression of thought and emotion with my internal state to the best of my ability, if I am to construct an environment that allows and encourages another to do the same. My choice to turn from avoidance, seek to understand myself, and permit myself to accept what is underneath opens the door for a parallel process to occur within the person on the other side of the room.
As I mentioned before, this is far from a one-and-done process. However, if done intentionally and consistently, I believe the pursuit of knowing oneself does wonders for the therapeutic environment. Maybe you sense patterns of avoidance in your life, either explicit or implicit. Perhaps you feel that you lack an understanding of yourself. Or it could be that you consider yourself unacceptable. Wherever you are in your journey, if you have a desire for a space that promotes curiosity and self-exploration, I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist in your area today.